The Chapter That Refused to Close

My history with David spans roughly a couple decades (I met him in high school), and it has never been a clean story. But the last decade it’s more like a glitching video—the same chapter starting over and over, never quite finishing, never resolving into something real, just stubbornly refusing to end.

When we reconnected about ten years ago, he set the stage entirely on his terms. It was heavy on the texting, highly sexualized, and aggressively intimate. It made my skin crawl a bit; I was entirely uncomfortable with that frame. To keep the peace and manage the imbalance, I let the connection become transactional. It was a compromise to keep talking, sure, but it felt awful. It left me feeling small, uneasy, and reduced to a function, rather than a person who was chosen or respected.

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Uncertainly

Religion and spirituality both intrigue and disturb me. At the most basic understanding: on one hand it’s weird that life has been on this planet for so long but what happens when we die or how we experience our living experiences is somehow tied to something mystical and bigger than we may comprehend; however, on the other hand, seeing all there is of this world — the beauty, the tragedy, the complexity and the simplicity — it’s difficult to grasp that this is random, or if not random, still all there is, unless one holds a more atheistic worldview. But then it’s hard to grasp, for me and the other non-religious I assume, that any one worldview is the correct worldview. I mean this thought of mine may be elementary, but the fact people have the ability to have so many different beliefs, faiths, non-faiths, and ideologies amuck seems strange only one group can be right.

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Why?

That’s been my question since the phase one has in toddler-hood where everything is responded to with why, if not responded to with the other favored, “no!” response. For me it wasn’t a phase, it was everything moving forward.

I recently came across a Christian Poet (I am not Christian nor a Poet, but I am undoubtedly a curious creature) and she brought up the book of Job, which in my own words goes a man that was happy in life who suffered at the hands of a supposed God who even though he is all powerful, all knowing and creator, felt forced to prove the Devil wrong about why people believed in the almighty. Hey, it’s an interpretive text and that is my interpretation.

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